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Painting

She somewhat grins with master strokes -
Curved lines carved roads
winding over each other
in search for ways to express
the moment
when she twinkled.

Her portrait is a lesson in geography,
mapped texture symphony, different
shades imposing on each other -
harmony in gradients and contrast.

Run your fingers up
her coarse hair and ripe-less nose,
a hand's
etchings into canvas, the steady story
where copper hills meet an oily river
of tan and burgundy:

Paths groove through a valley -
wrinkles on soft tundra,
lace in the hot Latvian loom,
sticky leather skin ripples,
weaving through childish screams,
tugging wars,
forgotten dreams
and wet bed sores.

Behind a hidden tree they
met, out in open twilight
an autumn day they spent,
basking, one in the other's eye,
in-tent.

Unfed
I numbingly clutched her face
in infant rage, and shrieked
boisterously.

On roads she led
me by my hand. Her grainy fingers,
I remember -
Hold my hand. Good boy.
in her thick tongue -
as we brushed through
bland third-world traffic.

Once upon a time
a satellite heard us canvass
why we hardly conversed.

Over phone-static blotches
we ended
with the somewhat
usual uttered formal
words and kisses.
I miss you.
Me too.

Some paintings
must be put under glass
for preservation. Else
they crack
and fade under the touch of cheek.

 
©2004-2009 `wernstrum
:iconwernstrum:

Author's Comments

I suppose this is me trying my hand at lyrical/spoken word. While I was writing this a lot of my focus went into contemplation of the expression of tone and tempo through writing.

Please feel free to be very critical. Those who are familiar with my works know that I welcome it. For those who aren't, now you know.

Revisions:
18march 2004 - 3rd stanza - Changed "etches" to etchings
14 April 2004 - 3rd stanza - Changed "course" to "coarse"

Critiques


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:iconmoonchild117:
I liked the imagery... I love this poem. :thumbsup:

Yeah, I'll be perusing on some of your works... :)

--
Searching the city for sci-fi wasabi...
:iconwernstrum:
thanx :)

--
Waste not want not
-- The Mask
:iconinsanity1020:
hey man! tis been a while since ive said anything or something likethat...

i really like this... the use of words rocked as well...

very well done

:clap:
:iconwoxul5:
You have some really beautiful imagery throughout this, and I'm really liking the way it flows. I like the little rhymes that you toss into the mix, like tugging wars, forgotten dreams and wet bed sores. and an autumn day they spent, basking, one in the other's eye, in-tent. I thought that was really well done. The first stanza really drew me in, straight from the beginning. Your use of imagery is really touching. I could see the picture being painted.

As for a few critiques, there were a few words that I found disrupted the flow, like the use of 'boisterously' in one stanza. I think a different word might sound better there. It just feels awkward as it is.

I'm not sure what to think of the sudden change in narration. It started off as 'they' and went to 'I', and it was rather abrupt. I don't know if there's any way to make that more subtle, but it just sort of jumped out at me, when I read through it. It just felt like there was a huge change in the mood and atmosphere, entirely. I'm not sure if that's the effect you wanted to create or not.

Anyway, otherwise I think this is really wonderfully written. I absolutely love the way you worded this, for the most part. Keep at it. :)

--
No.
:iconbigsur:
Her portrait is a lesson in geography,

i didn't like this line. maybe i didn't like painting... or maybe i didn't like lesson - or maybe i dislike both of those words. however, i did like the geography concept.

this is very well written as usual.
:iconwernstrum:
It is the effect. The poem is about stories. The change/erratic movements in view start after the stanza with "steady story" which ends with a colon indicating a beggining of the story (stories).

I totally understand where your coming from though. It is style though, and is intentional. It would have been easier for me to keep it from the same viewpoint throughout, but in my mind it would have been more boring. There are abrupt movements in this piece which the more traditional side of me screams "THIS IS NOT HOW POETRY SHOULD BE".

I am treading new grounds, in terms of personal development, with this piece.

As for boisterously, it works to add to the different mood per story. But in the revisions it will be considered, as will the rest of your viewpoint. Thank you :)

--
Waste not want not
-- The Mask
:iconwernstrum:
interesting.. Can you do me a favor? Come back to this poem later, like in a day or two and tell me if you still don't like those words? I'll owe you one ;)

--
Waste not want not
-- The Mask
:iconwernstrum:
:jawdrop: YOU'RE ALIVE??!?!?!?

thanx darling

--
Waste not want not
-- The Mask
:iconbigsur:
sounds like a plan.
:iconlittlemissangel:
it's really beautiful it's like watching silk being spun to read this poem. it flows so well

Details

March 16, 2004
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